I Open at the Close

It is a draining moment when 3 years comes to an end. You don't need to have gone to university to understand the feeling of not living up to your dreams where academic endeavours are concerned. I know I felt it through the majority of my school life, and again at Art school. I felt like I was at the wrong place when I went to BIMM. I wasn't pop. I wasn't rock. No one had the background I had really and I was different. Play to your strengths I always told myself. Be different. Force through the shell of the pop-mentality, show your strange skills and a way will pave itself. I mean, it did. I managed this far. I got to the end.
But every time I felt I knew who I was or where I was going, something would contradict it. This is the fate of all those who delve into the world of music I guess, but it still doesn't help the fear bubbling inside. I ran out of money last year and took up a full time job at the moment of my 2nd year deadlines. I battled and fought to get my work in and missed a 2:1 by 1%. They said it didn't matter, but it did. It really did, because the late penalties cost me and I might have walked with my head slightly higher this year if someone had helped. I might have really gone for that masters degree straight away. But I had low self esteem where my work was concerned. I work in secret and I play to no one. Only the wind and the creaks in the floorboards hear me sing.
But I tried harder this year and I handed everything in on time and just allowed myself to live in my overdraft. I got a few great marks back that I never expected really, but what really made me sad today was a realisation as I drew nearer to the end that I had really only cared about one particular assignment, I had got great feedback from my peers, tried something really outrageous, and received a 2:1 for it today. A 2:1? That's great in the grand spectrum of things, but work that I didn't even try that hard on last year got a 1st. And I did something exciting and different and it was rewarded with a 66. I shouldn't be shocked. Music is subjective, maybe it really wasn't as good as everyone had felt it was. I'm sure it was marked well. But it really mattered. How can I do a masters when my core reason for doing the degree, my interest in songwriting, had only merited me a 2:1? I wanted to know that I was truely a writer, and that being different gave you credit. That I was made of something that criteria couldnt dismiss.

We can all dream when our vision is clouded.

I have two marks left to recieve and I will be able to figure out my over all average. I just hope they don't drag me down. I don't want those doors to shut.